Month: February 2015

Day 18: Attitude

Voltair Happy MemeDay 18: Attitude – I have been called a “pathological optimist,” something I accepted with much pride.

I can’t remember the book, but I remember the quote from Viktor Frankl vividly: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” It is worth reading again.

Yesterday was a true reality check for me in some ways, I think maybe the shock wore off or maybe I became aware of new realities. Something about being given a ride face down into the MRI tube with an IV and chilling out in there for an hour and half that will do that to you! LOL Yesterday while getting the IV was the first time I felt “sick” – not physically yet – but just realized – “Hey, I am pretty sick.” Looking at my arm last night and the IV bruising and just realizing, this is really nothing compared to what is coming.

Yesterday, for a moment I was scared. For the first time really.

But here is the thing. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. It was like the universe knew it would be a tough day and I was genuinely surrounded by love from you and your positive energy matters more than you may know. I am also blessed to know so many cancer WARRIORS. I truly appreciate all the feedback, insight and love. I am blessed to have an amazing supportive family.

I also had a long talk with a friend who is not afraid to ask me tough questions and hold me accountable. The key question? “What are you afraid of?” It is easy to fall into the “emotion” of fear, but once you start breaking down – it is pretty manageable.

The deal is, life is terminal. We are all headed to the same place, at least this current physical manifestation of our being. The “meat suit” we wear simply does not last forever. In some ways, I can already feel the gift that this diagnosis represents, you start thinking about what is important to you in the now and honestly about what things you might want to change.

So, this morning I am looking at a beautiful sunny day, I had a good nights rest, I am surrounded by family and friends and even though I am working today, I am genuinely looking forward to my board retreat as we talk about how we can do more to help our community. Even with all this going on, I can count my blessings. I CHOOSE to SEE the positives.

Wishing you an abundantly blessed day too.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 17: What made you see a doctor?

Day 17: I get asked a lot what caused me to go to the doctor initially? And if I found a lump or was feeling different/ sick?

It is important to note, that I have no family history on my moms side and although my paternal grandmother has had breast cancer, so far the doctors have said that doesn’t really increase my chance of getting the booby cancers. I honestly have not researched this to know if does or does not increase chances – been busy researching my kind of cancers and treatments and tests.

What brought me into the doctor were visual changes in my breast that I first thought were due to weight change. I have lost probably 28-30 lbs in the past year and a half due to diet and exercise. This was not an unexpected weight loss like is normally associated with cancer, especially Stage 4.

I had noticed my nipple had inverted a little (started to pull inward) and I had a line that looked like tissue was being pulled inward. Best way to explain the way this looked, is that it looked something like if you have a rubber band on your wrist or snug jacket cuff and when you remove it there is an indentation left. These two symptoms changed enough for me to go a’google’izing.

I’d always been taught about lumps and I do self checks – but I was never taught about these visual signs. I have dense breast tissue and even though I have done self exams I didn’t feel any lumps. My gynecologist only felt one mass and it was hard for him to locate, and even still he was going more off what I was telling him about changes in my breast. I was just saying to my mom last night how thankful I am that the doctor listened – he could have dismissed it too because of the weight loss and because I am healthy, high energy and have no other symptoms. Even though he finally found one small mass, radiology found 3.

So, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t feel any different, I did not find a lump. But things were changing, enough to make me wonder what the heck was going on and what really pushed me to make the appointment with the doctor was this news article that popped up on my google search: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/The-breast-cancer-symptoms-don…

Glad I found it, it validated my symptoms were something that I needed to take seriously. Because honestly, I feel good and in no way look sick. I still say… I wouldn’t even be sick if I hadn’t seen the doctor… tongue emoticon

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 16: Mixed bag.

Cashmere LoveDay 16: Mixed bag.

The ick: Time to start harassing the insurance company about the MRI. Would like have that resolved today.

The yay: Look at the cool cashmere cap my mother in law knitted for me!

The funny: I wouldn’t be sick at all if I hadn’t seen any doctors!

Day 15: It’s a long one… about construction…

Under ConstructionDay 15: It’s a long one… about construction…

Met with the plastic surgeon yesterday about options and recommendations. He is now the 2nd doctor to recommend a delayed reconstruction and the mastectomy surgeon deferred to the plastics guy. Apparently I am considered high risk for a few reasons… I gotta tell ya, these doctors… I am young, healthy, high-risk and have breast cancer. Ok, I will roll with that.

If you are wondering why I would be high risk, it’s because of two things. 1) Until pathology has a good look at that sentinel lymph node we can’t be certain on a treatment plan and more than likely radiation will be part of my treatment regardless, which increases risk in reconstruction (more on that later). 2) I have this silly little blood condition called cryofibrinogenemia (A rare condition where a blood protein precipitates when it cools and then redissolves once it is warmed again.) Yeah yeah… feeling special… doctors seem to get all nervous and have a whack attack when you mention a “clotting condition…”WHATeves…

So… about construction… I have options – keeping in mind that I have one doctor recommending a bilateral, and two a unilateral pending MRI results. MRI could show cancer behind door number 2 or something in the lymph nodes. And I just want to remove chance of having to do this again… so I vote bilateral… we will see…. ok…

Option 1:
Use up that belly fat and get a tummy tuck in the process. Good news, I don’t have enough abdominal fat to rebuild two (YAY!) Bad news, apparently there is enough to possibly rebuild one. (BOO!) Funny, we have talked nipple tattoos and me disclosing my belly fat feels more personal… weird right? But think about this phrase “harvest your belly fat” – yeah… um… EW.

Anyway, I would have to go the UW for this as it is mostly done at Universities, they say it looks more natural and well… there is the tummy tuck benefit. For me, I am not really down with more surgery than I need – which is what this would be… and yeah, I could lose a few pounds, but seriously, I wouldn’t be getting a boob job if it weren’t for this cancer thing… heck I’ve never broken more than a finger nail and avoid the doctor like the plague…but I digress… so darn quickly too…

Option 2:
Implant(s). Now, if the MRI says I have to have both done or I decide I want them both done, this is my only option. So the thing with implants is that there is a 5-10% chance of hard painful scarring that makes the reconstructed breast(s) look unnatural and of course there is the chance the body will reject the foreign object. They wait until after treatment ends because I guess that painful scarring jumps to 30% if you do a simultaneous while receiving radiation. Plus with my complications above they don’t wanna. Pansies.  With this we wait until I am healed from the cancer surgery and have completed treatment. Then I go in for surgery and have an expander put in. Every two weeks they add fluid until I we hit the size I am happy with (if both) or the size that matches the remaining (if one). Once we hit that point, apparently we wait a bit and then we remove the expander and insert the implant. 4 months after that we adjust the natural breast to match the implant side (more surgery) so things balance out. Now I am skipping nipple reconstruction as all’y’all who are keeping up know, but if I were to do that we would wait a few months. And by the way… if you wanna know how they do that… google it on your own.  I am going straight to tattoos. So once I heal I am good to go find myself an fabulous tattoo artist.

Plastics guy is saying reconstruction could start 8-12 weeks after pathology OK’s me and the process will take about 8 months total.

I hate shopping.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 14: Some good stuff and a little confusion….

Day 14: Some good stuff and a little confusion….

First the good stuff:
Chest x-Ray is clear, cancer antigens were normal, liver function normal, red count, white count, other blood work all normal.

My vitamin D is low. What’s that? LOL So gotta add Vitamin D to the daily list.

Now the confusion:
Saw the Gyno/General yesterday, he recommends unilateral instead of bilateral. More to think about. He said the good plastics people can make things match well and if the natural one err… Shall we say “ages” then we could lift it, assuming it doesn’t get cancer and have to be rebuilt. His point being that it is easier on the body to do a unilateral, and there is no guarantee that I will get cancer in the remaining natural breast just as there is no guarantee that I won’t have cancer appear again in the side I have the mastectomy. He also said that due to the type of cancer a simultaneous reconstruct may not be an option.

I told him to call the surgeon so they could get on the same page. LOL

We are still waiting on MRI approval.

Off to see plastics guy today.

Soon I’ll be looking for a tattoo artist.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 13: A mixed one.

Day 13: A mixed one. Yesterday I went from feeling totally fine to totally overwhelmed – sometimes at record speed!

The House Blessing at Habitat was yesterday, it was great that mom had a chance to meet the team. It was a terrific event. Brother and sister headed home, sad to see them go. And reading the alkaline diet books is a little overwhelming. Gonna miss my coffee rituals. 😕. I like green tea but it’s not the same. Had so many people send up prayers yesterday – people are truly amazing.

Hoping to hear about the MRI today and meet the plastics guy tomorrow. Every time I say that I hear the song “Barbie Girl” – oi!

Work keeps me sane I think. (Can’t say it does the same for my staff… LOLZ) Looking forward to today.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 12: New jewelry!

Expensive JewelryDay 12: New jewelry! I have to say to say, I’m sure I’ll a nice collection of these expensive bracelets over the next few months….

Ok… Woke up thinking about wigs… And dreamt I met the oncologist.

Another funny…. After I got the chest x-Ray and blood drawn last week I went to schedule with the plastics guy for the consult and his scheduler said he could see me mid March… “I said yeah… I need to consult with him about delayed vs. simultaneous reconstruction and well… Cancer makes its own schedule.”

She looks at me and says, “Well…. He doesn’t need lunch next Tuesday, will that work?” Yep!

Now Dr. came out and that is when I met him for a moment and the energy he gave off was a little like Lurch… But we will see what I think when I actually meet him.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 11: a funny.

Day 11: a funny.

So yesterday I’m talking with the surgeon about simultaneous vs delayed reconstruction after he does his job (insert bionic woman sound) and how my understanding is that the general anesthetic is one of the most dangerous parts of surgery. He says to me…. Wait for it….

“I wouldn’t worry so much with someone as young and healthy as you. It’s probably less dangerous driving I-5 at rush hour.”

Blink…

Me: in a smarty ass jokester tone: “Um you know I’m here cuz I caught a case of the booby cancers right?”

He laughs, and says “Well yeah, but other than that your young and healthy!”

Laughter is good medicine. I like this doctor.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬