Emotions

Year 2, Month 5 and 5 days: Storm clouds and rainbows

Year 2, Month 5 and 5 days: Storm clouds and rainbows

So, it is that time again.  Time for annual testing. My blood work always tells me I am healthy, my CT always points to the interesting lumps and bumps of life that I would never know about had I not required a CT in the first place and of course… the hands on exams.  Every girls least favorite.

This time we felt a lump.  I suppose it has been there since the last surgery.  So off to get an ultrasound I go.  Results state ” 1.4 x 2.7 x 0.4 cm Continue reading →

Day 365: One year…

Day 365: One year…

One year ago today I had the mammogram and ultrasound that confirmed I had breast cancer. As the radiologist confirmed it and the ultrasound tech cried a little in the corner I just sighed.

Dr. Google let me know – this was just confirmation.

Rick and I went to lunch. I had red wine and something else I picked at but didn’t eat, a few tears ran down my cheek. I’d never been a big crier or really a fan of emotions – that has changed. I had texted my besties – those who knew where I was and what my concerns were and then I pulled myself together as best I could before heading into an executive/finance meeting and letting my executive team know. I had asked Rick to call my mom and my brother and sister – I knew I didn’t have the strength the talk to them and keep my crap in a pile for my meetings – I barely kept my crap in a pile talking to the executive team. A few more tears leaked out (thank you for the words and love you had that day). There is something about saying it out loud. The shock and concern you see in everyone else’s eyes – the fear you feel with your own diagnosis. Cancer.

It has been a year people. So, though I am doing well, I ask this of you: hug those you love tonight, tell your friends how much you appreciate them, connect with family and plan to tackle a bucket list item this year. Love yourself. Embrace adventure. Step into the unknown. Know you are valued – tell someone else they are. Show and express gratitude. You are so deeply loved.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer

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Day 235: Facing the Inevitable’ish

tinkerbell-secret-wingsDay 236: Facing the Inevitable’ish

I lost my brother-in-law to lung cancer Sunday.  I cried for him, for family and selfishly for me.  At least it felt selfish.  My brother in law put up a good fight, a great fight, a valiant fight against his cancer.  I followed his journey, he was a great pen-pal and I appreciated his insight, feedback, advice and experience as I started this path of unknowns of my own.  He let me know, quite frankly, what was coming and helped me prepare for the next challenge in this process.  He didn’t sugar coat things.  I can’t tell you how important that is when everyone around you wants to tell you that things are OK, and you will be fine, and not to worry.  You don’t stop them, because you know they are using words to soothe themselves as much as you.  Truth is, once you get this diagnosis all you do is worry.  You are thankful for the brief reprieve you get on occasion when you have a task that requires so much focus that you find freedom from the thoughts about the diagnosis.

We both knew Continue reading →

Day 219: or 146 days left in this year since diagnosis

Day 219: or 146 days left in this year since diagnosis

hour-glassRealized tonight that I am more than half way through the year since my initial diagnosis.  Realized tonight that I am counting down years.  Realized that there is a greater than 50% chance that I have 14 years and 146 days to do what I want to do.  Realized that I will be 58 when I know which side of 50% I land on.

This may seem like a morose thought. It isn’t really.  It is reality.  It is processing the new truth of knowns in life and though anyone at anytime could pass from any number of things, you realize that you, as a person, have data and statistics and a reality that is brought home with ticking of the clock.

This brought many things to mind.  For the first time, it really made me consider a bucket list.  I mean, it seems that the best answer is to live the next 14 years and 146 days to the max and if I am still going strong after year 15… just make a new list and find new adventures, or experience some of the old favorites with new friends… or find new favorites with old friends…

I struggle to put into text the Continue reading →

Day 210: Break a Legwarmer… a commitment to tomorrow

Day 210: Break a Legwarmer… a commitment to tomorrow…

leg-warmers-on-9th-and-ElmSo… tonight I broke out the nail polish… a gunmetal grey color called “Break a Legwarmer.”  If you are a guy, you probably won’t have a clue and if you are a gal, you may not either unless you have gone under general anesthesia.  Seems that those serious anesthetist that are charged with breathing for you while they take your body to brink of death ceasing your ability to do so for yourself positively demand to Continue reading →

Day 174: Finish line just ahead…

2015 August 4 Post Op ExpansionDay 174: Finish line just ahead…

I get the question of size a lot.  I don’t mind it really.  I mean, I have been very open about this process the whole way through and well, I was… shall we say… “voluptuous” at the start at a double D.  Surprisingly though, there is actually a limit to the size I can go, unlike augmentation, and that size is 800 cc.  I was told today that this means, I will never be the size I was.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  Partly because at this point it is hard to picture what 800 cc will look like.

So after the additional 60 cc today, I am at about Continue reading →

Day 125’ish or 126: I’m awake… I’m awake…

Day 125’ish or 126: I’m awake… I’m awake…

IMG_2777This is apparently how I look on morphine.  Love the fuzzy lens look… very soap opera right?

I have to admit this was a very fuzzy time frame for me.  The pre-surgical cocktail, with anesthesia and the pain pump.  I am not going to lie.  I sat in the quiet for a long time.  Just me, the beeping of machines, the pain pump and the occasional interruption from the nursing staff making sure all is well.  I know I made the hospital sound cold and terrible in my previous post, but I don’t know, I mean, they were efficient and methodical.  Something I appreciate… even if freaked out that I was in the basement… but face it… Continue reading →

Day 67-68: Dark clouds roll in…

Day 67-68: Dark clouds roll in…

It’s been a particularly rough weekend, as I think about it, weekends in general do seem the hardest.  I don’t think it is necessarily any one thing, in fact, I would say that during the week I can easily find a singular thing to focus on and tackle.  However, during the weekend, it all comes together and I just bet you that we could name those dark clouds Continue reading →