overwhelm

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

Yes… it did get real… real faaaaast.

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

A little bit of confusion yesterday as the Surgeon and Oncologist got on the same page… but we are a go.  Surgery is scheduled for next Thursday March 26th and pre-op is scheduled for Wednesday March 25th.

Things got real very fast.

Had someone ask me yesterday if I was scared.  I thought about it for a minute.  I am not scared, or have not been scared yet… this is a long journey.  If anything I am downright pissed off.  I have not had the “why me” thoughts, but I sure have had the “how me?” thoughts.  And of course anxiety is a constant friend, as is overwhelm… man oh man…. is there ever overwhelm.  So much to do and so little time to do it all.  BUT… that is my normal mode… 🙂

The only thing that keeps my head straight in the dark times is the total belief and understanding that for whatever reason, this is my path… my journey.  I guess you could also call that faith.  🙂

8 days to surgery.  8 days until we start treatment.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 20: A normal week ahead.

Day 20: A normal week ahead.

I am a change agent by nature. I enjoy change and adapt to it quickly. However, I also enjoy my routines. The last 20 days I have been robbed of my routines. It is exciting to look ahead at a mostly normal week… I think… You know… there is always the possibility of a surprise test being ordered. I imagine this is a bit of the calm before the storm in some ways. The whole hurry up and wait phase…

Friends and fellow cancer warriors keep reminding me to allow myself tears. Even one of my doctors felt the need to remind me that I am “human.” LOL FUNNY stuff! Tears are hard for me. As the oldest child, it is your job to be the strong one. As a female executive you beat down emotion because tears and emotion are perceived as weakness, instability, symbolic of being unable to exercise self-control, and ultimately used against you. I have a lifetime of playing whack-a-mole with any emotion that fell outside of happiness or anger and a great amount of pride in being able to do so. However, I know this is different and it will be necessary. I know it will happen whether I wish to “allow it” or not. This brought me to another Viktor Frankl quote (image below).

I have cried. I “flash cried” diagnosis day when I was given the news by the radiologist 19 days ago – he could tell I already knew and said as much. I “flash cried” that same afternoon when I told my executive committee. I have cried a few times with friends and family. Even a few good cries in my safe zones that made my eyelashes hurt the next day (who knew that could happen?) and I know I will certainly cry more. I guess we could consider these training sessions as I find my way back to some emotions I have beat down for awhile. LOL

However, ultimately, I do believe it is my pathological optimism that will bring me through all this and help me to be an even stronger and more dedicated warrior than before.

Have a beautiful day!!

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Frankl Meme Tears

Day 13: A mixed one.

Day 13: A mixed one. Yesterday I went from feeling totally fine to totally overwhelmed – sometimes at record speed!

The House Blessing at Habitat was yesterday, it was great that mom had a chance to meet the team. It was a terrific event. Brother and sister headed home, sad to see them go. And reading the alkaline diet books is a little overwhelming. Gonna miss my coffee rituals. 😕. I like green tea but it’s not the same. Had so many people send up prayers yesterday – people are truly amazing.

Hoping to hear about the MRI today and meet the plastics guy tomorrow. Every time I say that I hear the song “Barbie Girl” – oi!

Work keeps me sane I think. (Can’t say it does the same for my staff… LOLZ) Looking forward to today.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬