Year 1, Month 6, Day 20: Purple Polka Dots

venus-rising-with-tassels-shelly-stallings

So… It’s nipple reconstruction this week. Wasn’t gonna. However I have this nasty adhesion that really messes with my brain and makes me feel less than sexy whenever I catch a glimpse of it. This whole thing about reconstruction not being augmentation – God if only people understood… the “hope” of nipple reconstruction is that in that process will somehow break up the adhesion a little. What do I have to lose right? Well… let me back up.

The only reason I scheduled nipple reconstruction was to attempt to address the adhesion issue. Honestly… nipples?  Can live without ’em.  Because this isn’t going to be like the real thing… post reconstruction the options are always on or always gone… you know… like Barbie.  Add to that the fact that there is little to no sensation in that area… it really is window dressing.

So, at my last post-op appointment for the other surgery… the last surgery… surgery #5?  Anyway, at that post-op I say last call for nipples, she says let’s address the adhesion when we do them.  I say… *sigh* OK.  Then at my pre-op two weeks ago, my surgeon who truly is fantastic, said she probably couldn’t do anymore for the adhesion and that this, what I am looking at, was “probably” as good as it was going to get.

I was crushed, I’m not gonna lie. I was literally depressed. I mean, I drank my way through the afternoon in frustration.  Well… with wine… I sipped my way through my afternoon… not throwing back shots or anything, but I was seriously bummed.  I mean… it has been 1 year, 6 months and 20 days… and it is this stupid adhesion and nipple reconstruction that sends me over the edge and finally really breaks my give a fuck, like seriously breaks it.  As in, I just don’t give a… well you get what I am trying to say.

So then I am thinking to myself, do I want this damn surgery or not?  For the first time, the first time in all this time and all this trauma and all this process, I literally can’t tell what is logic and what is emotion.  Incredible.  This makes me even more frustrated.  I go from depressed to just plain pissed.  Well.. after I sobered up.

So I break out the silicone nipple set a week later, because doc has said to mark where I think the nipples should be… (eye roll) hell if I know, honestly!  But whatever, so I wear the dang things over the weekend.  I should tell you, I have had these for months and worn them maybe twice.  It’s the full deal, areola and nipple.  I feel ridiculous for some reason.

Think about it, my first adventure with pasties is a pasty that looks like an actual nipple… seriously?  Seriously.

Anyway, to my surprise after taking them off, there is a bit of suction that happens and helps keep them on, so I have perfect little round spots to mark up with the surgical pen the doctor gave us.  What the heck right?  I keep the appointment, can’t make things worse… can it?  Probably not…. My significant other makes purple dots in the areas that look like maybe a nipple should be.

Next morning I wake up.  Remember, I don’t have much sensation.  I see a dark spot on my right boob and about slap myself thinking its a bug or something before I realize that it’s that damn dark purple dot.  Then… sleeping naked as I do, and apparently with my arms crossed over my chest (apparently like a vampire) I have purple dots all over… all over my biceps, from my biceps stamped back onto my breast, once Griff stopped laughing so hard his eyes were watering, he asked if I was taking the terrier approach to nipple reconstruction.  LOL

Fuck, I will just let her pick the two dots she wants tomorrow….

…and why did he associate me with a terrier?

Surgery check in at 9am.

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