Day 51-53: Cancer math madness…

Day 51-53: Cancer math madness…

Well… This has been a tough one to write.  I’m parsing through all the data and many emotions.
Many of you know that I saw the oncologist Thursday and things have been quiet since then… I am learning “cancer math.”  Cancer math reminds me of my marketing classes while I was pursuing masters of business.  My classmate Britt and I kept getting stuck on how certain numbers were derived, in class one day in total frustration, I decided that there were horses and unicorns and that marketing math was filled with unicorns made from assumptions based on some level of experience but truly they are assumptions and not tangible reality.  We will refer to cancer math as “kitten unicorn cancer math.”

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Day 20: A normal week ahead.

Day 20: A normal week ahead.

I am a change agent by nature. I enjoy change and adapt to it quickly. However, I also enjoy my routines. The last 20 days I have been robbed of my routines. It is exciting to look ahead at a mostly normal week… I think… You know… there is always the possibility of a surprise test being ordered. I imagine this is a bit of the calm before the storm in some ways. The whole hurry up and wait phase…

Friends and fellow cancer warriors keep reminding me to allow myself tears. Even one of my doctors felt the need to remind me that I am “human.” LOL FUNNY stuff! Tears are hard for me. As the oldest child, it is your job to be the strong one. As a female executive you beat down emotion because tears and emotion are perceived as weakness, instability, symbolic of being unable to exercise self-control, and ultimately used against you. I have a lifetime of playing whack-a-mole with any emotion that fell outside of happiness or anger and a great amount of pride in being able to do so. However, I know this is different and it will be necessary. I know it will happen whether I wish to “allow it” or not. This brought me to another Viktor Frankl quote (image below).

I have cried. I “flash cried” diagnosis day when I was given the news by the radiologist 19 days ago – he could tell I already knew and said as much. I “flash cried” that same afternoon when I told my executive committee. I have cried a few times with friends and family. Even a few good cries in my safe zones that made my eyelashes hurt the next day (who knew that could happen?) and I know I will certainly cry more. I guess we could consider these training sessions as I find my way back to some emotions I have beat down for awhile. LOL

However, ultimately, I do believe it is my pathological optimism that will bring me through all this and help me to be an even stronger and more dedicated warrior than before.

Have a beautiful day!!

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Frankl Meme Tears