Author: Tammey

Tammeyhttps://killerleftboob.wordpress.comI was diagnosed with breast cancer in February of 2015, this blog is me sharing my journey. So yeah... we are going to be talking about booby cancer and such. Shhh….. in fact we will probably cover other shhhsh worthy topics like nipple reconstruction too. You’ve been warned. In fact, those boobies gracing the top of this page are the topic of discussion… well… really the cancer is more correctly the topic. This started out as me just sharing with friends on Facebook, and one of them said, “Hey… why aren’t you blogging this?” So here it is. I spend my days as the COO/Executive Director for a nonprofit and volunteering to better my community… Well… when I am not busy fighting cancer.
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Day 24: But it isn’t supposed to be aggressive?

Macy Dog PET Scan WhatDay 24: But it isn’t supposed to be aggressive?

Met with an oncologist yesterday, I should say “interviewed.” I feel pretty lucky that really the only question mark has been the plastics member of the team, but I have time to find that person.

Great news, this guy says he has zero cases of relapses from his early stage breast cancer patients. YAY! He also coordinates with a naturopath and Chinese medicine. The goal being to support your immune system and have it engaged in the fight.

Bad news, my tumors are significantly bigger on the MRI as compared to the reports from the mammogram and ultrasound. They were 1.3cm and 3cm and now they are showing as 5.6 and 4.3. I have had the same radiologist for all reports and the oncologist will be giving him a call to see what his thoughts are on why. There is still swelling and there is a large hematoma noted on the MRI as well. According to the Oncologist there are a few things to note, 1) this should not be aggressive per pathology due to the low nuclear grade and HER2 results. 2) If they truly are that size we may want to consider neoadjuvant (before surgery) chemotherapy to reduce tumor size and make sure that the borders are easier to identify for the surgeon.

The Oncologist also said that tumors around 1cm have about a 10% chance of metastasizing where as tumors around 5cm have about 50% of metastasizing. So… guess who is getting a PET scan ordered?  I will tell you, a good good friend of mine wished and prayed for me to have one, having been through this she said she just prayed for me to know. With this tumor size, he wants to make sure it is not in the chest wall or anywhere else before surgery. We are still hoping this will just be considered “locally advanced.”

He bumped my vitamin D to 10,000 IU daily and wants me taking 20mg of Melatonin which left me feeling like a hungover sailer this morning (apologies to all you sailors out there). He also wants me to avoid Soy products due to estrogen and this being ER+. Food is gonna get complicated… and now I do need to be serious about kicking coffee and sugar out of my diet. *sigh* Cruelest thing yet…. Green tea is not countering melatonin hangover.

I see the surgeon today. I talked through surgery with the Oncologist and he supported removing both for the reasons I laid out as I understand them. I keep telling the doctors, tell me if this is BS, I am doing my own research and if I am speaking an internet BS story correct me…. but this is what we know is true: 10% of breast cancer is this type of breast cancer, at least 20% of this type of cancer is bilateral, this type of cancer does not show up on mammogram, *might* as it advances show up on ultrasound, and truthfully can even be missed with MRI. So, although my ‪#‎hawtrightbreast‬ came back via MRI as cancer free, it did have some fibroids or something in there … and face it… bottom line is that yearly I would be having exams that would not really tell me if I had cancer until it had advanced enough to be a tumor like now on ‪#‎killerleftboob‬

We also talked about hair loss, he said that unfortunately breast cancer chemotherapy drugs tend to cause hair loss, even though it is different with everyone I should be prepared. So…. I cancelled the appointment for hair color and instead will be scheduling to have it cut. If it doesn’t fall out – GREAT – it will grow out again, its just hair. If it does, I will have a good amount to start with when it comes to having a wig made with my own hair. 

So.. we will see what the surgeon thinks when we see him in a few hours. If we do chemo first I am probably 6-10 weeks out before surgery, if the surgeon is confident, we do surgery within the next few weeks.

Oh… and I memed my dog in the image above…

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ #killerleftboob ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 23: Evaluating options

Day 23: Evaluating options

Had a friend stop in the office yesterday to share their Cancer story and remind me to research options and opinions when it comes to treatment. He has a very compelling story and long story short, he gave me his oncologists cell phone number and I am seeing him at 3 today.

This Cancer process is interesting because it is both abysmally slow and wicked fast. Slow in the data getting to you and fast in the appointments and tests and feeling like you have time to analyze the data as it makes it way to you.

Along the way I have had reminders to seek second opinions – but radiology and pathology and data driven, thankfully, so not much opinion in those disciplines. But now we are talking treatment and goodness…, how that does vary and doctors all have different thoughts. Gyno/General says just take out ‪#‎killerleftboob‬, surgeon says may as well take ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ too… And the guy today? Story is he prefers no surgery unless we can’t get rid of it through other methods. I’ll find out for sure what his story is this afternoon.

This will “probably” be decision weekend. Or, to put it another way, *If* no more tests are ordered, *then* it’s decision time, *else* go through more tests and evaluate more data

I see the surgeon again tomorrow.

I feel so popular… All these people wanting to see me.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ #killerleftboob #hawtrightboob ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 21: I am doing a lot of future speak and succession planning.

Day 21: I am doing a lot of future speak and succession planning.

Cashmere Love 2 Brother Loves CashmereFirst I have to say thanks to some amazing people! My mother-in-law Joyce sent me another super fantabulous cashmere hat (modeled below by myself and my brother). Clint liked how soft the cashmere was. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the hat back!

Rock star Jolene sent me “Cooking at Harmony Hill, Recipes for Hope and Healing.” Mom and I are very excited to check out the recipes and I need to take mom and sis for field trip to Harmony Hill.

Amazing friend, fellow warrior and survivor Vanessa sent me “A Breast Cancer Alphabet” which looks like an amazing book! I can’t wait to read it!

My awesome bother and sister brought fresh flowers. Thanks Clint and Jennifer! And mom is getting us ready – she is definitely our project manager!

So much positive energy and love!

So as you guys know – I stay busy in the community and of course when we hear the word Cancer we think awful things. Some of us think this way from personal experience – some because of what we have read – and some is just us processing the information and looking through our own looking glass of our personal coping mechanisms. I spend a good amount of time on succession planning and in fact I told a friend my life is a long series of if-then-else statements right now because I don’t have all the data. For example: *If* MRI shows right boob is clear of cancer *then* I have a decision to make *else* decision is made for me. Pretty much everything in my life is like that right now.

Had a long conversation with a wonderful collaborator as we were looking at future projects and they were concerned with pain and me needing months away to recover. Reality is that I am going to be in pain for about the next year and a half. If I am lucky we are talking just three surgeries over the course of the year-year and a half. *If* Cancer in sentinel lymph nodes *then* more surgery *else* celebrate.

My personal value is derived from my work ethic and working in the community to help strengthen our community. I know I will be in the hospital post surgery but once I am out of that initial surgical fog I have to be busy or I will be climbing the walls.

I don’t know if this is a “small town” thing but businesses and community partners have just been amazing. Everyone has been supportive and accommodating. I am just blown away.

Super cool thing? Yesterday actually felt like a good productive day! No doctor appointment interruptions. Looking forward to another one of those today!

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 20: A normal week ahead.

Day 20: A normal week ahead.

I am a change agent by nature. I enjoy change and adapt to it quickly. However, I also enjoy my routines. The last 20 days I have been robbed of my routines. It is exciting to look ahead at a mostly normal week… I think… You know… there is always the possibility of a surprise test being ordered. I imagine this is a bit of the calm before the storm in some ways. The whole hurry up and wait phase…

Friends and fellow cancer warriors keep reminding me to allow myself tears. Even one of my doctors felt the need to remind me that I am “human.” LOL FUNNY stuff! Tears are hard for me. As the oldest child, it is your job to be the strong one. As a female executive you beat down emotion because tears and emotion are perceived as weakness, instability, symbolic of being unable to exercise self-control, and ultimately used against you. I have a lifetime of playing whack-a-mole with any emotion that fell outside of happiness or anger and a great amount of pride in being able to do so. However, I know this is different and it will be necessary. I know it will happen whether I wish to “allow it” or not. This brought me to another Viktor Frankl quote (image below).

I have cried. I “flash cried” diagnosis day when I was given the news by the radiologist 19 days ago – he could tell I already knew and said as much. I “flash cried” that same afternoon when I told my executive committee. I have cried a few times with friends and family. Even a few good cries in my safe zones that made my eyelashes hurt the next day (who knew that could happen?) and I know I will certainly cry more. I guess we could consider these training sessions as I find my way back to some emotions I have beat down for awhile. LOL

However, ultimately, I do believe it is my pathological optimism that will bring me through all this and help me to be an even stronger and more dedicated warrior than before.

Have a beautiful day!!

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Frankl Meme Tears

Day 19: Meet Infiltrating (or Invasive) Lobular Carcinoma (ILC).

Day 19: Infiltrating (or Invasive) Lobular Carcinoma (ILC). Today’s post is more informational. This is the shortest write-up I have found ILC. As I think about the pros and cons of unilateral vs. bilateral, there is a lot of information even in this short article that make me lean toward bilateral. Especially the part where a mammogram won’t always catch it. This is an interesting process as you think about “removing” a part of your body. Especially when you are thinking about possibly removing part of you by choice… which we really won’t know until MRI results come back.

I was talking with an amazing friend last night and finally just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Me over-thinking, ugh… this is just vanity.” My friend says, gently, “Are you sure you aren’t confusing vanity with identity.” WOW. You need friends like that. It was a hard thing to ask and they were very aware of the impact of the question. It is identity. I do need to recognize that. Now… for the informational part:

ILC starts in the milk-producing glands (lobules). Like IDC (ductal), it can spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body. About 1 in 10 invasive breast cancers is an ILC.

Signs and Symptoms: ILC does not always feel like a breast lump. ILC cells may leave your lobes through one opening, staying together in a line. They can proceed to infiltrate fatty tissue, creating a web-like mass. This web of cancer cells may feel like a thickened area of breast tissue, and at first may not cause concern or pain. Unfortunately, if left undetected, ILC can develop into a mass that is about 3/4 inch (2 centimeters) to about 2 inches (5 centimeters) or bigger in size, before causing more noticeable symptoms.

When to Seek Medical Help: If you have any of these symptoms, get them checked out by a health professional right away:
A thickened area within your breast
An area that feels “full” or swells (not due to lactation or hormonal cycle)
Breast skin changes such as dimpling, thickening, or different texture
Nipple drawing in (retracting)

Because ILC can easily hide within breast tissue, a mammogram won’t always catch it, particularly in the earliest stages. If it does show up on a mammogram, it will be unclear as to its actual nature. Your doctor may send you for a breast ultrasound, which is better at detecting ILC than a mammogram. To get the best overall image of the cancer, you may need a breast MRI, so your surgeon will be able to see the size and location of the mass. Finally, to get a clear diagnosis of ILC, a breast biopsy must be done, so that a sample of the tissue can be examined by a pathologist.

Stages of ILC: ILC can be diagnosed from stages 1 through 4. It is more likely than IDC to occur in both breasts -– about 20% of patients diagnosed with ILC will have bilateral breast cancer. A breast MRI will help reveal this, and treatment can be tailored to combat both cancerous masses at once.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 18: Attitude

Voltair Happy MemeDay 18: Attitude – I have been called a “pathological optimist,” something I accepted with much pride.

I can’t remember the book, but I remember the quote from Viktor Frankl vividly: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” It is worth reading again.

Yesterday was a true reality check for me in some ways, I think maybe the shock wore off or maybe I became aware of new realities. Something about being given a ride face down into the MRI tube with an IV and chilling out in there for an hour and half that will do that to you! LOL Yesterday while getting the IV was the first time I felt “sick” – not physically yet – but just realized – “Hey, I am pretty sick.” Looking at my arm last night and the IV bruising and just realizing, this is really nothing compared to what is coming.

Yesterday, for a moment I was scared. For the first time really.

But here is the thing. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. It was like the universe knew it would be a tough day and I was genuinely surrounded by love from you and your positive energy matters more than you may know. I am also blessed to know so many cancer WARRIORS. I truly appreciate all the feedback, insight and love. I am blessed to have an amazing supportive family.

I also had a long talk with a friend who is not afraid to ask me tough questions and hold me accountable. The key question? “What are you afraid of?” It is easy to fall into the “emotion” of fear, but once you start breaking down – it is pretty manageable.

The deal is, life is terminal. We are all headed to the same place, at least this current physical manifestation of our being. The “meat suit” we wear simply does not last forever. In some ways, I can already feel the gift that this diagnosis represents, you start thinking about what is important to you in the now and honestly about what things you might want to change.

So, this morning I am looking at a beautiful sunny day, I had a good nights rest, I am surrounded by family and friends and even though I am working today, I am genuinely looking forward to my board retreat as we talk about how we can do more to help our community. Even with all this going on, I can count my blessings. I CHOOSE to SEE the positives.

Wishing you an abundantly blessed day too.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 17: What made you see a doctor?

Day 17: I get asked a lot what caused me to go to the doctor initially? And if I found a lump or was feeling different/ sick?

It is important to note, that I have no family history on my moms side and although my paternal grandmother has had breast cancer, so far the doctors have said that doesn’t really increase my chance of getting the booby cancers. I honestly have not researched this to know if does or does not increase chances – been busy researching my kind of cancers and treatments and tests.

What brought me into the doctor were visual changes in my breast that I first thought were due to weight change. I have lost probably 28-30 lbs in the past year and a half due to diet and exercise. This was not an unexpected weight loss like is normally associated with cancer, especially Stage 4.

I had noticed my nipple had inverted a little (started to pull inward) and I had a line that looked like tissue was being pulled inward. Best way to explain the way this looked, is that it looked something like if you have a rubber band on your wrist or snug jacket cuff and when you remove it there is an indentation left. These two symptoms changed enough for me to go a’google’izing.

I’d always been taught about lumps and I do self checks – but I was never taught about these visual signs. I have dense breast tissue and even though I have done self exams I didn’t feel any lumps. My gynecologist only felt one mass and it was hard for him to locate, and even still he was going more off what I was telling him about changes in my breast. I was just saying to my mom last night how thankful I am that the doctor listened – he could have dismissed it too because of the weight loss and because I am healthy, high energy and have no other symptoms. Even though he finally found one small mass, radiology found 3.

So, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t feel any different, I did not find a lump. But things were changing, enough to make me wonder what the heck was going on and what really pushed me to make the appointment with the doctor was this news article that popped up on my google search: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/The-breast-cancer-symptoms-don…

Glad I found it, it validated my symptoms were something that I needed to take seriously. Because honestly, I feel good and in no way look sick. I still say… I wouldn’t even be sick if I hadn’t seen the doctor… tongue emoticon

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬