Day 30: Anxiety

Cancer fills you with anxiety. All kinds of anxiety, about all kinds of things. This disease that makes you cry until your eyelashes hurt and then makes you thankful you still have eyelashes to feel the pain.

You know how when you are holding back tears or feel them coming on, you get a lump in your throat? Well… more than crying I feel like I have a ball of anxiety in my core, wedged somewhere between my shoulder blades and deep into my body. A ball of rage, pain, frustration, confusion, impatience, denial, disbelief, fear, sadness, guilt, exhaustion, and truthfully a plethora of other things that you could add to that mix. Truthfully, I am not quite sure what to do with it. This isn’t something you can scream out or cry out – it just is, at least for me, for now, in this moment.

Speaking of moments, it is fair to say that I am living life moment to moment right now. Not out of fear of death, perhaps a bit of the fear of the unknown, but mostly because in small chunks of my life right now I can focus. I can focus on moments. I can feel in moments. I can be distracted from the anxiety in the moments. I am rarely overwhelmed in the moments. I am thankful for and in the moments.

Hopefully tomorrow I will hear back on the test results from the CT and bone scan. Praying for them to be clear and praying to have a plan of action in the next few days. Uncertainty creates a large amount of anxiety… but don’t be fooled… so will certainty. Just new and different anxiety.

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