Day 219: or 146 days left in this year since diagnosis
Realized tonight that I am more than half way through the year since my initial diagnosis. Realized tonight that I am counting down years. Realized that there is a greater than 50% chance that I have 14 years and 146 days to do what I want to do. Realized that I will be 58 when I know which side of 50% I land on.
This may seem like a morose thought. It isn’t really. It is reality. It is processing the new truth of knowns in life and though anyone at anytime could pass from any number of things, you realize that you, as a person, have data and statistics and a reality that is brought home with ticking of the clock.
This brought many things to mind. For the first time, it really made me consider a bucket list. I mean, it seems that the best answer is to live the next 14 years and 146 days to the max and if I am still going strong after year 15… just make a new list and find new adventures, or experience some of the old favorites with new friends… or find new favorites with old friends…
I struggle to put into text the uncertainty that cancer brings to your life. It surrounds you and impacts the very core of your being. Seriously, trust me, you only make short term commitments.
So, by the time I complete this first year since diagnosis I will have been diagnosed, survived the painful biopsy process, had bilateral mastectomies, bilateral reconstruction, expanders replaced with implants, and possibly my tubes removed and nipples reconstructed. That will be 5 surgeries, 6 if you count the biopsies, and seriously, the stereotactic biopsy should count as surgery (WTH!?). It will interesting to look back and read the blog. By the end of year 15, I will be ready to fully embrace and live years 14-0 before I start counting again… in the other direction.