Day 35: Restless nights…
Restless night. Could not sleep last night. The weekend and even yesterdays plan took a toll on me emotionally. One thing about having a plan is that it makes the previously intangible now tangible. As I was finally drifting off, I had a minds vision (I hesitate to say dream because I was not really asleep yet). In this vision I was pulling on the tank top I ordered that holds my drainage receptors post surgery which also came with faux breasts or bumps for that time between mastectomy and expanders and I just lost it.
Most the time I am fine, but sometimes I hit overwhelm. Last night was one of those times. Between the mastectomy, chemotherapy, the 5 years of aramotase inhibitors (AI) they plan to prescribe, the pain meds, anti-nausea meds, etc., there is literally no part of my person that does not feel violated or as though it will be violated – including my personality as you look at the list of possible prescriptions in my future and the fact that chemotherapy will kick me into menopause while the AI Rx will modify my estrogen and the normal treatments for menopause are not an option for me. It is a symptom of cancer treatment success that I will have to learn to embrace and pray that it is not terrible in its chemically created introduction into my life.
I really don’t feel that it is too extreme to say that it feels like your personhood is being scorched to the ground… carpet bombed… decimated. You can’t help but wonder if any of “you” will be left by the time they are done.
Good friends and loved ones will reinforce that the important parts of you will still be there. That your heart and spirit will shine through regardless of the situation. Whether bald or breastless – with or without eyelashes. Deep down you hope they are right – you hope that you don’t lose yourself and you think about the quality vs. quantity of life. You reach out at 2:30 am praying people answer their phones and you pray, a lot, for peace and strength and grace under pressure.
It is also important to remember that there is beauty in all things, even destruction. Who doesn’t love to watch lava gently flow into the ocean or a building being intentionally demolished. There is a curiosity and beauty in it. A friend keeps reminding me of the value of a crucible. My husband keeps reminding me of the Phoenix.
Now, because I believe it is important to start the day with a laugh, at least for me. I also have a faux lady bump funny to share. I tossed the little packaged pillows to my brother over the weekend and of course he caught them, as you do when someone tosses something to you. As he is turning the package over trying to figure out what it was, I said, “Dude… what a perv… you should be embarrassed… you touched your sisters boobs.” Everyone laughs and my nephew says, “Uh-oh, I’m a perv too… I touched them. I couldn’t figure out what those were!” 😛 Poor kid.
Well… that will teach me to leave my boobs on the table.