Day 62: Fighting for your joy…

I have mentioned that cancer feels like a second job, all the research, appointments, decisions… I suppose you could say that fighting for your joy is a third job.  Cancer will do what it can to try and steal it away with the chaos and fear it causes.  It could just be adjusting to the new normal as this new theme dominates parts of your day, many of your thoughts and inserts itself into almost every conversation.  Of course that is the part that goes mostly unseen and unnoticed by the outside world.  Daily you pull it together, shoving these thoughts to the corner of your mind so they don’t interfere with the immediate reality that deserves and demands your full attention.  Right now, I’m told repeatedly that I look “amazing” and “so healthy” just a few weeks post-operatively, in fact, truth is I feel pretty great.  Heck I have even adjusted to a sportier sleeker version of me that does not require a bra, but reality is that this is the great cancer deception.

Because coming quickly will be the physical changes of treatment, the inescapable physical manifestation that dominates every part of your femininity – truthfully your person.  Slowly stripping away the bits that define you.  The indignities and injustice of the process can be too much to bear if you fall into the quicksand set for you by cancer.

And just when you are there, the sand covering the top of your head, someone dives in with a lifeline to pull you out.  They may not even know that you are walking mentally walking through the fire swamp (a la Princess Bride) and that you are mentally fighting ROUSs and gasping for air, but they are there to bring you a bit of normal and some love.

Ultimately joy is a choice.  Happiness is a choice.  It is a conscious decision that requires work – daily effort.  Thank you to all of you for your kindness, contact, messages, prayers and positive thoughts.  There really is no way for you to know the impact you have – but know you are appreciated.  ❤

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