breast cancer

Day 41 & 42: The storm before the calm….

Day 41 & 42: The storm before the calm….

This is definitely an interesting process.  I’ve not had major surgery… ever… so I am planning on being “out” for a week.  Hoping that is enough.  I have been in the midst of a storm, between work projects, deadlines, meetings, getting the taxes filed and taking care of the typical things life requires and planning to potentially be “away” from life for a week or so.

Friends, family and staff have been great.  And since I don’t look or act sick, I get a fair amount teasing.  Hey… what can I say… I’m really just creating all this drama for a boob job.  😛

Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment and nuclear injection day… subareolar injection… yeah… break that word down… “sub” = below… and areola… yep yep… that is an injection into the nipple.  And nuclear?  Yeah, I will certainly have a special glow about me tomorrow night.  Who the heck thinks of this stuff?!  Good God!

Speaking of tomorrow night, my crazy and lovely friends have named it “Last Night with Boobs at Bob’s Steak Night” – we do steak nights on Wednesday, and the crazy crew has toasted #killerleftboob many times… tomorrow they help me say goodbye.  All of this I call the storm… the 3-5 hours of surgery will certainly be the calm.

Countdown is on… surgery is Thursday…

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 40: Bye bye bra… step aside lovely lady lumps…

By By BraDay 40: Bye bye bra… step aside lovely lady lumps…

Last night as I got back to our room, I did something most women can’t wait to do… I took off my bra and tossed it aside.  Guys, I am not sure what might be analogous for you… maybe the jock strap or sports cup?  Either of those look uncomfortable enough to qualify as something similar to the bra… Anyway, this time taking the bra off was different.  As I looked at it lying on the bed, I realized that I would only be doing that for four more days. F O U R… M O R E… D A Y S…  So of course I snapped a picture… Continue reading →

Day 38: Life outside the comfort zone…

Day 38: Life outside the comfort zone…

I am always saying that the goal in life should be to acclimate to being comfortably uncomfortable.  Thing is, I am usually talking about  purposefully and intentionally stepping outside your comfort zone.  Breast cancer is one of those times where I am being forced out of my comfort zone not by my own choice or design.  That is equating to a lot of awkward discomfort.

This weekend I am taking advantage of the free cancer retreat offered at Harmony Hill in Union Washington.  The word retreat makes me of trust falls and updating the SWOT analysis.  You know, corporate retreat stuff.  I have never attended something like the retreat I will be attending this weekend.  However, the timing for the cancer retreat is pretty perfect, considering surgery is now 6 days away.  For that I am feeling very fortunate.

The schedule looks interesting and facility is beautiful.  I am excited to learn more about nutrition and cancer, and maybe some new thoughts and ideas on ways to relax.  Cancer being the funny thing that it is, and as this great article from Science 2.0 points out, literally everyone has cancer – right now.  Truth of the matter is, relaxation is something I have been short on the past three years as I completed my Master’s of Business Administration, worked full time and ran for public office.

I am also fortunate that Harmony Hill is local to me and so I know many of the wonderful people there and its incredible story.  This will be the first time I experience Harmony Hill from the inside and I am looking forward to bringing you along… well… virtually.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

There is a club of sorts, for those of us with cancer.  Once word gets out that you are a member you will be amazed by the number of people who know the secret handshake and have experiences to share.  I am ever so thankful for these fellow warriors.  Because truly, the doctors leave you guessing most the time.  In fact it feels like you are on a never ending roller coaster of surprises.

This process is interesting because you feel the whole time like you are fighting for Continue reading →

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

Yes… it did get real… real faaaaast.

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

A little bit of confusion yesterday as the Surgeon and Oncologist got on the same page… but we are a go.  Surgery is scheduled for next Thursday March 26th and pre-op is scheduled for Wednesday March 25th.

Things got real very fast.

Had someone ask me yesterday if I was scared.  I thought about it for a minute.  I am not scared, or have not been scared yet… this is a long journey.  If anything I am downright pissed off.  I have not had the “why me” thoughts, but I sure have had the “how me?” thoughts.  And of course anxiety is a constant friend, as is overwhelm… man oh man…. is there ever overwhelm.  So much to do and so little time to do it all.  BUT… that is my normal mode… 🙂

The only thing that keeps my head straight in the dark times is the total belief and understanding that for whatever reason, this is my path… my journey.  I guess you could also call that faith.  🙂

8 days to surgery.  8 days until we start treatment.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 32: Bargaining and quality of life.

Day 32: Bargaining and quality of life.

I like data and I like research.  Now… with cancer you will find loads of conflicting research and data.  Which makes sense, every person and their cancer is unique.  But it struck me that in a way this is really looking at odds and estimated percentages.  Treatments are based average success rates and your life becomes measured in blocks of years.  In fact, survival rates for cancer are typically calculated in terms of how many people live at least five years after their diagnosis. Yes five years, for ILC is currently reported as 85% with a 30 year survival rate of 50%.

There is a lot of focus on living, extending years and extending life, but not a lot of talk about quality of life.  A topic I plan to force into conversation this coming week as I follow up with the oncologist (Monday) and surgeon… sometime during the week.

I’m not gonna lie… reading about chemotherapy makes you question the odds makers and do some research. One study I found said, “In the end, our study indicates that primary chemotherapy, with its toxic effects, may not be the best standard of care for women with invasive lobular carcinoma,” Cristofanilli says. “Additional investigation, including genomic and proteomic studies, are warranted to help clarify the unique biological features of this disease.”  http://www.news-medical.net/news/2005/01/03/7087.aspx

For my fellow data nerds… you can lost for awhile in here: http://jco.ascopubs.org/content/23/1/41.full or here http://erc.endocrinology-journals.org/content/14/3/549.full#sec-16

So… this brings us to bargaining and the Kubler-Ross model which identifies the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Interestingly enough, I think that with cancer you can hit all of these in an hour… kind of like a carnival ride….

As I research and think through chemotherapy, it strikes me that I need to ask the question not just about quality of life but percentages and success rates when it comes to no treatment, surgery only, chemotherapy only, surgery and chemotherapy, naturopathy, etc.  In other words, I need to know all the options and in all honesty I am not yet convinced with the numbers when it comes to chemo.  During the web surfing and research I keep seeing a little survey of 128 US cancer doctors quoted found that if they contracted cancer, more than 80 percent would not have chemotherapy as the “risks and side effects far outweighed the likely benefits”.

I know this may be perceived as bargaining, I don’t know, I see it as my job to do my due diligence and ask about all options.

Something I know about myself… it is not about how long I can be here, it’s about what I can achieve while I am here.  Quality of life matters – and it will be the topic for next week as I talk with doctors.

‪#‎strongerthancancer ‪#‎embracingtheadventure ‪#‎killerleftboob ‪#‎hawtrightboob ‪#‎breastcancer

 

Day 21: I am doing a lot of future speak and succession planning.

Day 21: I am doing a lot of future speak and succession planning.

Cashmere Love 2 Brother Loves CashmereFirst I have to say thanks to some amazing people! My mother-in-law Joyce sent me another super fantabulous cashmere hat (modeled below by myself and my brother). Clint liked how soft the cashmere was. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the hat back!

Rock star Jolene sent me “Cooking at Harmony Hill, Recipes for Hope and Healing.” Mom and I are very excited to check out the recipes and I need to take mom and sis for field trip to Harmony Hill.

Amazing friend, fellow warrior and survivor Vanessa sent me “A Breast Cancer Alphabet” which looks like an amazing book! I can’t wait to read it!

My awesome bother and sister brought fresh flowers. Thanks Clint and Jennifer! And mom is getting us ready – she is definitely our project manager!

So much positive energy and love!

So as you guys know – I stay busy in the community and of course when we hear the word Cancer we think awful things. Some of us think this way from personal experience – some because of what we have read – and some is just us processing the information and looking through our own looking glass of our personal coping mechanisms. I spend a good amount of time on succession planning and in fact I told a friend my life is a long series of if-then-else statements right now because I don’t have all the data. For example: *If* MRI shows right boob is clear of cancer *then* I have a decision to make *else* decision is made for me. Pretty much everything in my life is like that right now.

Had a long conversation with a wonderful collaborator as we were looking at future projects and they were concerned with pain and me needing months away to recover. Reality is that I am going to be in pain for about the next year and a half. If I am lucky we are talking just three surgeries over the course of the year-year and a half. *If* Cancer in sentinel lymph nodes *then* more surgery *else* celebrate.

My personal value is derived from my work ethic and working in the community to help strengthen our community. I know I will be in the hospital post surgery but once I am out of that initial surgical fog I have to be busy or I will be climbing the walls.

I don’t know if this is a “small town” thing but businesses and community partners have just been amazing. Everyone has been supportive and accommodating. I am just blown away.

Super cool thing? Yesterday actually felt like a good productive day! No doctor appointment interruptions. Looking forward to another one of those today!

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 18: Attitude

Voltair Happy MemeDay 18: Attitude – I have been called a “pathological optimist,” something I accepted with much pride.

I can’t remember the book, but I remember the quote from Viktor Frankl vividly: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” It is worth reading again.

Yesterday was a true reality check for me in some ways, I think maybe the shock wore off or maybe I became aware of new realities. Something about being given a ride face down into the MRI tube with an IV and chilling out in there for an hour and half that will do that to you! LOL Yesterday while getting the IV was the first time I felt “sick” – not physically yet – but just realized – “Hey, I am pretty sick.” Looking at my arm last night and the IV bruising and just realizing, this is really nothing compared to what is coming.

Yesterday, for a moment I was scared. For the first time really.

But here is the thing. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. It was like the universe knew it would be a tough day and I was genuinely surrounded by love from you and your positive energy matters more than you may know. I am also blessed to know so many cancer WARRIORS. I truly appreciate all the feedback, insight and love. I am blessed to have an amazing supportive family.

I also had a long talk with a friend who is not afraid to ask me tough questions and hold me accountable. The key question? “What are you afraid of?” It is easy to fall into the “emotion” of fear, but once you start breaking down – it is pretty manageable.

The deal is, life is terminal. We are all headed to the same place, at least this current physical manifestation of our being. The “meat suit” we wear simply does not last forever. In some ways, I can already feel the gift that this diagnosis represents, you start thinking about what is important to you in the now and honestly about what things you might want to change.

So, this morning I am looking at a beautiful sunny day, I had a good nights rest, I am surrounded by family and friends and even though I am working today, I am genuinely looking forward to my board retreat as we talk about how we can do more to help our community. Even with all this going on, I can count my blessings. I CHOOSE to SEE the positives.

Wishing you an abundantly blessed day too.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 15: It’s a long one… about construction…

Under ConstructionDay 15: It’s a long one… about construction…

Met with the plastic surgeon yesterday about options and recommendations. He is now the 2nd doctor to recommend a delayed reconstruction and the mastectomy surgeon deferred to the plastics guy. Apparently I am considered high risk for a few reasons… I gotta tell ya, these doctors… I am young, healthy, high-risk and have breast cancer. Ok, I will roll with that.

If you are wondering why I would be high risk, it’s because of two things. 1) Until pathology has a good look at that sentinel lymph node we can’t be certain on a treatment plan and more than likely radiation will be part of my treatment regardless, which increases risk in reconstruction (more on that later). 2) I have this silly little blood condition called cryofibrinogenemia (A rare condition where a blood protein precipitates when it cools and then redissolves once it is warmed again.) Yeah yeah… feeling special… doctors seem to get all nervous and have a whack attack when you mention a “clotting condition…”WHATeves…

So… about construction… I have options – keeping in mind that I have one doctor recommending a bilateral, and two a unilateral pending MRI results. MRI could show cancer behind door number 2 or something in the lymph nodes. And I just want to remove chance of having to do this again… so I vote bilateral… we will see…. ok…

Option 1:
Use up that belly fat and get a tummy tuck in the process. Good news, I don’t have enough abdominal fat to rebuild two (YAY!) Bad news, apparently there is enough to possibly rebuild one. (BOO!) Funny, we have talked nipple tattoos and me disclosing my belly fat feels more personal… weird right? But think about this phrase “harvest your belly fat” – yeah… um… EW.

Anyway, I would have to go the UW for this as it is mostly done at Universities, they say it looks more natural and well… there is the tummy tuck benefit. For me, I am not really down with more surgery than I need – which is what this would be… and yeah, I could lose a few pounds, but seriously, I wouldn’t be getting a boob job if it weren’t for this cancer thing… heck I’ve never broken more than a finger nail and avoid the doctor like the plague…but I digress… so darn quickly too…

Option 2:
Implant(s). Now, if the MRI says I have to have both done or I decide I want them both done, this is my only option. So the thing with implants is that there is a 5-10% chance of hard painful scarring that makes the reconstructed breast(s) look unnatural and of course there is the chance the body will reject the foreign object. They wait until after treatment ends because I guess that painful scarring jumps to 30% if you do a simultaneous while receiving radiation. Plus with my complications above they don’t wanna. Pansies.  With this we wait until I am healed from the cancer surgery and have completed treatment. Then I go in for surgery and have an expander put in. Every two weeks they add fluid until I we hit the size I am happy with (if both) or the size that matches the remaining (if one). Once we hit that point, apparently we wait a bit and then we remove the expander and insert the implant. 4 months after that we adjust the natural breast to match the implant side (more surgery) so things balance out. Now I am skipping nipple reconstruction as all’y’all who are keeping up know, but if I were to do that we would wait a few months. And by the way… if you wanna know how they do that… google it on your own.  I am going straight to tattoos. So once I heal I am good to go find myself an fabulous tattoo artist.

Plastics guy is saying reconstruction could start 8-12 weeks after pathology OK’s me and the process will take about 8 months total.

I hate shopping.

‪#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬