Month: March 2015

Day 39: Sometimes warriors retreat… or rather attend retreats

Day 39: Sometimes warriors retreat… or rather attend retreats… and drum circles…

Today was a full day at the Harmony Hill cancer retreat.  I can’t say enough good things about this incredible program.  Now… I am going to keep it real.  I had to get rid of some of my own bias and prejudices and to be honest, I had a moments thought about backing out of this.  This is unlike anything I have ever done in my life.  Group sessions, drum circles, meditation and movement… art sessions.  In fact, looking at the schedule you had to wonder… how does all this come together?  All I can say, is that they do.  Mix in the sense of community and support with fellow warriors and it really is incredible.  I feel fortunate that I am able to attend just prior to surgery and so soon in my cancer adventure.

For those who are reading this and are in this battle, whether you are just starting, in the middle, toward the end of treatment or in remission, I highly recommend checking out this no cost retreat for you and your spouse or caregiver.

They say that each of us creates and fights off about 300 cancer cells per day.  That we are all living with it, but typically our immune system recognizes these rogue buggars and gets rid of them before they become anything.  This weekend has me thinking a lot about stress and immune suppression.  Not that you want to, or should accept “blame” or “shame” in getting cancer, I certainly don’t.  I do see an opportunity to ask myself what I can do better.  It is a learning opportunity.  In fact, the meditation and movement sessions were real eye openers.  I never sit still.  It was amazing to recognize how I felt after that session.

I took care of myself and still do, which is one of those reason I keep saying “how me?”  I am healthy, heck, cancer doctors keep telling me I am healthy.  I exercise, eat mostly organic food, no terrible habits (other than swearing on occasion… don’t hold that against me…).  But something I know about myself is that I find calm in the chaos of activity and quite frankly, I think I am addicted to a certain level of busy… a certain level of activity.  Now, I have a pretty compelling reason to look inward and slow it down a little.  To intentionally breath, to intentionally relax, to intentionally allow myself to find the stillness.

A common theme so far this weekend has really been about attitude.  I choose the word warrior… not survivor.  I have not met a lot of “victims” in my 39 day adventure.  I have met a lot of warriors.  Warriors who understand that the battle is won before it is fought.  Reinforcing that attitude is everything… which is also something my cancer doctors keep telling me.  🙂

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 38: Life outside the comfort zone…

Day 38: Life outside the comfort zone…

I am always saying that the goal in life should be to acclimate to being comfortably uncomfortable.  Thing is, I am usually talking about  purposefully and intentionally stepping outside your comfort zone.  Breast cancer is one of those times where I am being forced out of my comfort zone not by my own choice or design.  That is equating to a lot of awkward discomfort.

This weekend I am taking advantage of the free cancer retreat offered at Harmony Hill in Union Washington.  The word retreat makes me of trust falls and updating the SWOT analysis.  You know, corporate retreat stuff.  I have never attended something like the retreat I will be attending this weekend.  However, the timing for the cancer retreat is pretty perfect, considering surgery is now 6 days away.  For that I am feeling very fortunate.

The schedule looks interesting and facility is beautiful.  I am excited to learn more about nutrition and cancer, and maybe some new thoughts and ideas on ways to relax.  Cancer being the funny thing that it is, and as this great article from Science 2.0 points out, literally everyone has cancer – right now.  Truth of the matter is, relaxation is something I have been short on the past three years as I completed my Master’s of Business Administration, worked full time and ran for public office.

I am also fortunate that Harmony Hill is local to me and so I know many of the wonderful people there and its incredible story.  This will be the first time I experience Harmony Hill from the inside and I am looking forward to bringing you along… well… virtually.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

There is a club of sorts, for those of us with cancer.  Once word gets out that you are a member you will be amazed by the number of people who know the secret handshake and have experiences to share.  I am ever so thankful for these fellow warriors.  Because truly, the doctors leave you guessing most the time.  In fact it feels like you are on a never ending roller coaster of surprises.

This process is interesting because you feel the whole time like you are fighting for Continue reading →

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

Yes… it did get real… real faaaaast.

Day 36: And so it begins… surgery is scheduled

A little bit of confusion yesterday as the Surgeon and Oncologist got on the same page… but we are a go.  Surgery is scheduled for next Thursday March 26th and pre-op is scheduled for Wednesday March 25th.

Things got real very fast.

Had someone ask me yesterday if I was scared.  I thought about it for a minute.  I am not scared, or have not been scared yet… this is a long journey.  If anything I am downright pissed off.  I have not had the “why me” thoughts, but I sure have had the “how me?” thoughts.  And of course anxiety is a constant friend, as is overwhelm… man oh man…. is there ever overwhelm.  So much to do and so little time to do it all.  BUT… that is my normal mode… 🙂

The only thing that keeps my head straight in the dark times is the total belief and understanding that for whatever reason, this is my path… my journey.  I guess you could also call that faith.  🙂

8 days to surgery.  8 days until we start treatment.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 35: Restless nights…

Day 35: Restless nights…

There is beauty even in destruction…

Restless night.  Could not sleep last night.  The weekend and even yesterdays plan took a toll on me emotionally.  One thing about having a plan is that it makes the previously intangible now tangible.  As I was finally drifting off, I had a minds vision (I hesitate to say dream because I was not really asleep yet).  In this vision I was pulling on the tank top I ordered that holds my drainage receptors post surgery which also came with faux breasts or bumps for that time between mastectomy and expanders and I just lost it. Continue reading →

Day 34: Finally… A plan and I’ve been staged…

Day 34: Finally… A plan and I’ve been staged…

It will grow back they said... curly they said...

It will grow back they said… curly they said…

Ok… We have some answers, some good news and a plan.  Let’s start with the good news.  The CT and bone scan came back clear.  There is NO indication of metastasis. This is great news.  Lymph nodes look good – although they still will want to take the sentinel node(s) next to #killerleftboob

My Oncologist (aka Potions Master), the Radiologist (aka Bones) and the Surgeon (aka Hack & Saw) Continue reading →

Day 33: Late post – packing boxes

Day 33: Late post – packing boxes

Prepping for this medical journey keeps one busy and distracted.  I feel fortunate that I have good medical insurance, although truthfully even with the decent deductible and good plan, the anticipated expense is mind numbing.  Thus, I also feel fortunate that we have a second house we can sell and better prepare ourselves for the coming expenses this next year – year and a half.  But prepping a house to sell was not something we were planning to do a few weeks ago, so we are feeling rushed and unorganized in the process.  Especially since we are planning to sell the home ourselves.
Continue reading →

Day 32: Bargaining and quality of life.

Day 32: Bargaining and quality of life.

I like data and I like research.  Now… with cancer you will find loads of conflicting research and data.  Which makes sense, every person and their cancer is unique.  But it struck me that in a way this is really looking at odds and estimated percentages.  Treatments are based average success rates and your life becomes measured in blocks of years.  In fact, survival rates for cancer are typically calculated in terms of how many people live at least five years after their diagnosis. Yes five years, for ILC is currently reported as 85% with a 30 year survival rate of 50%.

There is a lot of focus on living, extending years and extending life, but not a lot of talk about quality of life.  A topic I plan to force into conversation this coming week as I follow up with the oncologist (Monday) and surgeon… sometime during the week.

I’m not gonna lie… reading about chemotherapy makes you question the odds makers and do some research. One study I found said, “In the end, our study indicates that primary chemotherapy, with its toxic effects, may not be the best standard of care for women with invasive lobular carcinoma,” Cristofanilli says. “Additional investigation, including genomic and proteomic studies, are warranted to help clarify the unique biological features of this disease.”  http://www.news-medical.net/news/2005/01/03/7087.aspx

For my fellow data nerds… you can lost for awhile in here: http://jco.ascopubs.org/content/23/1/41.full or here http://erc.endocrinology-journals.org/content/14/3/549.full#sec-16

So… this brings us to bargaining and the Kubler-Ross model which identifies the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Interestingly enough, I think that with cancer you can hit all of these in an hour… kind of like a carnival ride….

As I research and think through chemotherapy, it strikes me that I need to ask the question not just about quality of life but percentages and success rates when it comes to no treatment, surgery only, chemotherapy only, surgery and chemotherapy, naturopathy, etc.  In other words, I need to know all the options and in all honesty I am not yet convinced with the numbers when it comes to chemo.  During the web surfing and research I keep seeing a little survey of 128 US cancer doctors quoted found that if they contracted cancer, more than 80 percent would not have chemotherapy as the “risks and side effects far outweighed the likely benefits”.

I know this may be perceived as bargaining, I don’t know, I see it as my job to do my due diligence and ask about all options.

Something I know about myself… it is not about how long I can be here, it’s about what I can achieve while I am here.  Quality of life matters – and it will be the topic for next week as I talk with doctors.

‪#‎strongerthancancer ‪#‎embracingtheadventure ‪#‎killerleftboob ‪#‎hawtrightboob ‪#‎breastcancer

 

Day 31: A new normal

Day 31: A new normal

That should probably be new normal(s) – there will be ongoing adjustments.  These adjustments include things like successfully riding the wave of emotion back to solid ground when I sit down for a minute at night and stop moving.  It also includes pushing through constant interruptions, like a call from your oncologist during a staff meeting or new tests and appointments that you simply make time for and the subsequent rearranging of the rest of your schedule (and everyone else) in the process.
Continue reading →