Emotions

Day 63: Look good feel better, SCCA, fellow warriors and Danger Girl……

Danger GirlDay 63: Look good feel better, SCCA, fellow warriors and Danger Girl……

Attended a “Look Good Feel Better” session with my new friend and fellow warrior Danna.  The session was good, though odd in some ways.  It is interesting the focus on how important for women it is to not look sick or tired when I imagine you are feeling sick or tired.  I couldn’t help but wonder if men are given the same pep talk… but I digress.  Warning this post is feeling like it is going to do that a lot.  🙂

In addition to make-up tips, we talked wigs and the chill you get when you no longer have hair covering your head.  So there are night caps – you know like the illustrations in the old Charles Dickens books.  Who knew?   The modern versions are little less pointy.  We also talked about how to draw your eyebrows back on in a way that does not look drawn on and then my big BIG BIG concern… Continue reading →

Day 62: Fighting for your joy…

Day 62: Fighting for your joy…

I have mentioned that cancer feels like a second job, all the research, appointments, decisions… I suppose you could say that fighting for your joy is a third job.  Cancer will do what it can to try and steal it away with the chaos and fear it causes.  It could just be adjusting to the new normal as this new theme dominates parts of your day, many of your thoughts and inserts itself into almost every conversation.  Of course that is the part that goes mostly unseen and unnoticed by the outside world.  Daily you Continue reading →

Day 51-53: Cancer math madness…

Day 51-53: Cancer math madness…

Well… This has been a tough one to write.  I’m parsing through all the data and many emotions.
Many of you know that I saw the oncologist Thursday and things have been quiet since then… I am learning “cancer math.”  Cancer math reminds me of my marketing classes while I was pursuing masters of business.  My classmate Britt and I kept getting stuck on how certain numbers were derived, in class one day in total frustration, I decided that there were horses and unicorns and that marketing math was filled with unicorns made from assumptions based on some level of experience but truly they are assumptions and not tangible reality.  We will refer to cancer math as “kitten unicorn cancer math.”

Continue reading →

Day 50: Post-op, pathology, staging, decisions and drains oh my!

Day 50: Post-op, pathology, staging, decisions and drains oh my!

WOW!  Where to start.  Today is a very mixed bag of good news and not so great news.  I am going to let the words flow through my fingers and try not to over think it.

Starting with some of the good news from the post-op appointment.  The drains are out and the surgical sites look FABULOUS.  The tissue is healthy and clear and it truly looks great.  Having the drains removed did smart a little bit, ok, right drain #2 smarted a lot… and I dropped the “F-bomb” again… but the doctor was very understanding.  Having the staples removed did not hurt at all.  I am still a day away from a shower though.

Pathology report was not what I was hoping for, Continue reading →

Gallery

Day 48: Itching for normal

Day 48: Itching for normal….

Oh today… this day… this day it feels like a thousand little ants are crawling around my chest under the bandages… the itching has truly begun.  Of course this is a good good thing. I keep telling myself.  The drainage amounts are much lower, which is great, and although I have spared you all actual images of what the drainage tubes look like, in this picture you can see my puffy abdomen, which is actually the JP Drainage bulbs tucked into my Softee Roo tank.  I actually went out in public like this today… to the grocery store!  **GASP**

The grocery store was mentally far more difficult than it was physically.  With the drains in place, I was Continue reading →

Day 43 part 2: Friends, love and care packages.

Day 43 part 2: Friends, love and care packages.

Ok, in the midst of a meeting this afternoon I received the call from scheduling.  Check in is at 10:25 am.  Tonight my friends gave the ladies a right proper send off!

I don’t have the words to express the gratitude and love I have for these amazing people.  I am truly blessed.

It’s funny the things that emotionally get you.  The handwritten card that simply says “You are beautiful” when truly one of my biggest fears is finding my beauty again – yes I know, I am far more than my breasts, but the girls have been front and center most my life.  Hard to separate them from what makes you feel feminine and attractive.  The super soft PJs for hospital day.  The super comfy and super cool Tukwila FD “fighting for the cure” t-shirt.  The healing hands necklace and earrings.  Lip balm, tissue, super hero bracelet and super hero ring.  Facial cleansing towelettes. And so much more really.  All incredibly thoughtful tokens of love and friendship – thoughtfulness.  Perhaps most thoughtful of all was making the night “normal” amidst the chaos.

I had struggled with a ceremony for saying goodbye to the girls… And in a way that only a loving friend could, Mary wrote a prayer and shared it with us all tonight.  Yes in a bar.  Yes, at the “Last night at Bob’s with Boobs” gathering.

Tammey’s Prayer

Friends, family, acquaintances and strangers:

We have gathered here this evening to celebrate the life of Tammey and her girls, haute right boob and her evil twin, killer left boob.

The girls have given Tammey a good time, but now they’re giving her a bad time. We understand they must go in sacrifice so that we may enjoy Tammey for many more years to come.

So, Heavenly Father, we ask for your blessings for Tammy and her team of caregivers.
May you grant the surgeons plenty of rest tonight, a good cup of coffee in the morning and steady hands during surgery.

May her caregivers, family and friends have patience, understanding, a sense of humor and the ability to apply lots of TLC.

Please continue to provide Tammey with patience, tenacity and her sense of humor to help her heal through this process you have challenged her with.

And finally, we thank Tammey for her infectious positive attitude and her willingness to share this adventure with all of us.

We love you, Tammey and pray for the best!

AMEN!
And now, let’s toast!

Tomorrow the storm clouds part and I find the moment of calm as I drift away under the anesthetic. I will be visualizing good margins and a clean lymph node.  If you get a chance, would you please take a moment and do the same.  🙂

Wishing you all abundant blessings.

#‎strongerthancancer‬ ‪#‎embracingtheadventure‬ ‪#‎killerleftboob‬ ‪#‎hawtrightboob‬ ‪#‎breastcancer‬

Day 40: Bye bye bra… step aside lovely lady lumps…

By By BraDay 40: Bye bye bra… step aside lovely lady lumps…

Last night as I got back to our room, I did something most women can’t wait to do… I took off my bra and tossed it aside.  Guys, I am not sure what might be analogous for you… maybe the jock strap or sports cup?  Either of those look uncomfortable enough to qualify as something similar to the bra… Anyway, this time taking the bra off was different.  As I looked at it lying on the bed, I realized that I would only be doing that for four more days. F O U R… M O R E… D A Y S…  So of course I snapped a picture… Continue reading →

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

Day 37: The not so secret – but a kinda secret club….

There is a club of sorts, for those of us with cancer.  Once word gets out that you are a member you will be amazed by the number of people who know the secret handshake and have experiences to share.  I am ever so thankful for these fellow warriors.  Because truly, the doctors leave you guessing most the time.  In fact it feels like you are on a never ending roller coaster of surprises.

This process is interesting because you feel the whole time like you are fighting for Continue reading →

Day 35: Restless nights…

Day 35: Restless nights…

There is beauty even in destruction…

Restless night.  Could not sleep last night.  The weekend and even yesterdays plan took a toll on me emotionally.  One thing about having a plan is that it makes the previously intangible now tangible.  As I was finally drifting off, I had a minds vision (I hesitate to say dream because I was not really asleep yet).  In this vision I was pulling on the tank top I ordered that holds my drainage receptors post surgery which also came with faux breasts or bumps for that time between mastectomy and expanders and I just lost it. Continue reading →

Day 34: Finally… A plan and I’ve been staged…

Day 34: Finally… A plan and I’ve been staged…

It will grow back they said... curly they said...

It will grow back they said… curly they said…

Ok… We have some answers, some good news and a plan.  Let’s start with the good news.  The CT and bone scan came back clear.  There is NO indication of metastasis. This is great news.  Lymph nodes look good – although they still will want to take the sentinel node(s) next to #killerleftboob

My Oncologist (aka Potions Master), the Radiologist (aka Bones) and the Surgeon (aka Hack & Saw) Continue reading →